Being Nasty, But Nicely

How to be passive-aggressive: An out-of-stater's guide

I've always thought that the ultimate passive-aggressive move for people who grew up in Minnesota is to act like they don't know what passive-aggression is. "Me? I am not. Whatever that is. Gee you look tired."

It's a natural outgrown of the non-expressive communication style of the Scandinavian, German and British cultures. All those built-up toxins have to be released somehow. Web definition: "Indirectly and unassertively expressing aggression towards others, masking resentment or hostility." American Heritage: "Of, relating to, or having a personality disorder characterized by habitual passive resistance to demands for adequate performance in occupational or social situations, as by procrastination, stubbornness, sullenness and inefficiency."

Thank goodness the American Psychological Association took passive aggression off the list of personality disorders as "too narrow to be a full blown diagnosis." Narrow is what it's all about, and besides, it's not a disorder---it's a way of life.

Body language is an important tool. When delivering an insecure compliment, cock your head, raise your brows slightly and hold your mouth in a half smile while delivering the compliment. The recipient will know you didn't mean it, yet you needn't fear reprisal as you've just said something perfectly lovely.

A play book for the novice passive-aggressive:
"Well, I hope everything works out!" (Translation: "I can't wait till your plans completely fall through and you return a total failure so I can say I told you so.")
"That's an interesting dress." (Translation: "If only you would stop following trends and just shop Talbot's like a grown up.")
"You look tired, are you okay?" (Translation: Out late again last night hmmmm?" or "You're just not aging as well as I am are you?") By the way, this is NEVER, under any circumstance, and appropriate thing to say, except by a parent to a child. If you really care about the person try "What can I take off your plate today?" instead. Then actually do it.

Taken from the Star Tribune - May 21, 2006

As funny as that article is, and as much I as I appreciate the truth in it (being from the Midwest) I am learning that I tend to be a bit on the passive aggressive side. I can make snide remarks that serve no purpose other than to get a dig in and pass the blame. I had a friend tell me once, after I said I was just joking, that there is truth in every joke. I am working very hard to not be this way, because it always comes back around to bite me in the butt.