Control

I have always hated change. It throws me, it messes with my mind and it makes me kind of crazy. Just ask Anna. Poor thing, she survived two move-ins with me, and is still my friend. Thanks Anna. Or Vanessa. She probably wanted to revoke her and Grant's invitation for me to move in with them. Thanks Vanessa. Or my parents, who sat with my in my new apartment after moving to Wichita and assured me I had made the right choice as the tears rolled down my face. Thanks Momsy and Faja.

I am beginning to realize that my dislike of change is because I like to be in control. Not that I have to boss everybody around and control every little detail of every little situation. It's probably good that I can be aware of this, so that I can react in a better way to change. I need to just let stuff go, and maybe my hatred of change is a way of me feeling a little more in control of situations that I can't.

My brother is getting married. I couldn't be happier for him, nor could I have picked a more perfect person for him to spend the rest of his life with. I am very happy for them both. Yet, when Jan's mom asked me last summer if this was hard for me, I teared up. It's change, I can't control it. My relationship with my brother is changing, as it should. I can't control it. He is going to be a husband, he is making his own family. I can't control it. If he weren't focusing his energy and time this, if our relationship didn't change that wouldn't be good. He is doing what is right. I miss the way things were. But I am excited for the way things will be. I just need to let go, and let it be, and accept that I don't have control and that's okay.